How to Be Fashionably Confident

What's Your Confidence Level about How You Look?

"Look Good, Be Thin" is an expectation that affects us all. How we look is inextricably connected to how we feel about ourselves. Of course we want to always look our best.

But . . . how do you really feel about how you look?

You feel fat, your stomach bulges, your butt's too big.
Your thighs and arms are flabby.
Nothing fits right.
Your hair is just wrong.
You're super sensitive to what your boyfriend says.
You think others are looking at you.
You endlessly compare yourself to other women.
Plus there are countless "recipes" for success, to make you feel better, to look good, be thin. There are articles that say: "get slim" (by tonight) and tips from the top ten celebs on how to dress, to look "just right."

No wonder you're obsessed about your appearance. In a Garry Trudeau Doonesbury comic strip, a young woman staring at a bathing suit magazine says to her friend, "Look at these models. Wouldn't it be cool to look that gorgeous?" To which her friend replies, "Well, yes, but you have to remember that their body type is not actually found in nature. Becoming the new feminine ideal requires just the right amount of insecurity, bulimia, and surgery."

How could there be a solution to what the message "Look Good, Be Thin" implies?

Weighing just the "right" amount, having a "fit" body, the right clothes, make-up, and hair style all may seem like a solution -- but it isn't. Because, as you already know, nothing is ever right.

The problem isn't how you think you look, it's the self-doubt. The first step is to conquer the self-doubt. Here are ten tips on how to do that:

1. Notice that the expectation about how you are supposed to look gets you to constantly compare yourself to others.

2. Pay attention to how this expectation exerts control over the decisions you make about your eating habits, fashion picks, workout plans, and so on.

3. See how your constant concern over your appearance negatively influences the way you think about yourself and leads to an ongoing experience of self-doubt.

4. Watch how the obsession about how you look interferes with your relationships.

5. Understand that the expectation to look a certain way may isolate you and often gets you to act with insincerity toward others.

6. Ask yourself if you really want these pressures in your life.

7. Notice when you are engaged in activities or events that give your life meaning and during which how you look or what you eat become a non-issue.

8. Make distinctions between when you are doing something that feels good to you and when you are caught by how you think you are "supposed to" look or feel.

9. Reconnect with what you do in your body that has always felt good: like dancing or doing yoga or swimming or playing tennis or whatever.

10. Delight in what delights you.

Remember that battling the expectation to look a certain way is life long, because we live in a culture where appearance is important. But you don't have to let it create self-doubt. You can be in the driver's seat and decide for yourself what works for you. You can live with confidence!

Victoria C. Dickerson, Ph.D., is the author of Who Cares What You're Supposed to Do?: Breaking the Rules to Get What You Want in Love, Life, and Work